


Claim it a victory

by LZ_malik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, M/M, Sad Zayn, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 18:05:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5675485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LZ_malik/pseuds/LZ_malik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a second he pictured his face, and his warm blue eyes and that signature smirk. He had to do this, if not for himself at least  for Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Claim it a victory

**Author's Note:**

> Uhmmm ?? i truly have no idea except i did this with minimum sleep  
> (its shit) happy reading x

_“Zayn dont close your eyes now, pay attention to me"_

He was right there, unfolding his hands like blooming pale flowers. Spreading his lips like a opening sky. Or at least he was, he was until he wasn't and it was all a memory replaying over and over in his mind. His face roaming through Zayn’s mind, _over and over and over..._

He felt numb then, he feels numb now as though he was the one six feet under. Lifeless, can’t concentrate, he hasn't eaten in days. His mum came to his flat , her face stern and for a second he almost broke. Instead he hugged her tight and listened to her nag about his hair , his clothes, the smell. 

“Zayn are you listening to me?' Hes not, hes trying not to think of it.How good he was at this, _comforting._

“Of course mum. Heard every word.”

She sighed and pushed him back, her hands going through his tangled hair. She stared in his eyes, the same as hers. Both dark and glossy. Although hers was still full of light, love and hope. Zayn feared his did not, as he tore his eyes away and looked down.

“Oh sunshine...He’s in a better place it will be okay I promise. Don't worry my chick.” she cradled his head in her palms, his eyes staring ahead.  _What was wrong with him?_ He hadn't thought he would be unresponsive to his own mother, then again he hadn't thought his boyfriend would die either.

 

It’s only been two weeks, He hadn't even gone to the funeral it would have been too much to handle. Seeing Louis in a casket pale and lifeless, not even with his signature smirk. He wished for it to be a prank when they called him, the police ringing him at 5 am. Seems like something Louis would do, but when they let him in , hair disheveled and eyes wide , to identify the body he felt his soul leave his body. It would have been too much to constantly here the “Sorry for your loss” statements thrown his way ,he could imagine Louis's mom ,and his sisters.

Oh god his sisters,he almost heaved.

"I think...I just need a moment.”

He hurried out his mother’s arm to make his way to the bathroom . Rushing to turn on the water ,he splashed his face repeatedly.But it wouldn't get rid of the memory ,his body; scarred ,his leg; broken. His face, _his face...._

“Darling..darling please” knocks sounded through the bathroom , he looked at himself in the mirror, a mess. He hadn't even realized he was crying even as the tears fell from his eyes.

“Zayn please talk to me”

He ignored her, didn't know how or what to say. He hiccuped; He couldn't stop crying, can’t stop remembering ,can’t stop lying to himself...

“Zayn!!”

 

[+]

 

“They said they want me to get help.”

He’s finally able to say the sentence without having the need to faint or vomit this time. He claims it as a small victory. His parents struggled with him all week , ironic as they weren't even the ones whose suffering.

“We are son, when you're hurting we are to”

Angry tears pooled in his eyes as he looked away from his father, ignoring them as they sat across from him hands clamped with each other looking very much in love.. like he was, as they expressed their worry about him and how he’s been dealing.

For fucks sake his lover died , he didn't think there could be anything worse than losing the person you loved.

They got nothing in return except for a few nods, they reluctantly left after a few minutes. Giving Zayn the need to calm his bones, calm the ache.

He hated the silence, Louis said it was because Zayn had too many thoughts he inside that never let free. All the silence gave his mind a chance to talk, he hated his mind. Too many terrifying thoughts existing, a _what if_  here or  there. What if Louis never got into that car, never went to that party , never left their flat , never left because Zayn yelled at him.

 

But yet he sat in silence ,wishing wanting _hoping._

He called the only other person who understood his mind more than he did.

“Do you want help? From like..a shrink?”

Harry twisted his hands together his face unsure of what to say. Zayn understood  that, they hadn't spoken since the incident. He hadn't really spoken to anyone.

He shrugged his shoulders, his eyes still cast down

“I don't know man, everything's just.. just”

he sighed, he wanted someone to tell him it’s all a joke, all a dream. He'll wake up with Lou by his side, their matching tattoos coming together as they lay side by side.

“I think -” Harry started , his lips forming a small smile “that he would want you to get some help too... he wouldn't want to see you suffer alone.”

Technically he wasn't, he had his parents, friends and his mind. Well a part of it, the other half is still in his room wondering what the fuck is he doing with his life.

Long fingers grabbed his hand.

“It will get better ,these things take time. There's nothing wrong with it okay? Just try and talk to a shrink maybe it will soothe.. things.”

Nodding his head he looked into his friends green eyes, they screamed comfort and he relaxed a little. He felt horrible, like he swallowed dirt and his throat was clogged by the stickiness and thickness. He leaned forward and enveloped harry in a big hug.

Large hands rubbed his back , Harry's voice slow and comforting as he gripped him tighter.

 

Harry was always good at comforting, he studied the perfection of hugs and his voice was trained to soothe.

They met at Uni, Harry was in the library muttering profanity at his computer as it glitched and sputtered to its death. He called over Zayn who was also a  student working for the school. It was an easy job, stacking books here or there, taking care of students who barely knew anything at all about a library; it was nice.

Zayn tried his best to help Harry who was freaking over his class paper  that was due the next day, there was no other computer available as finals were approaching and the place filled pretty quickly. Zayn loaned his laptop to Harry and an instant friendship bloomed.

Harry was the one who introduced Louis to Zayn, as they were roommates. They were a perfect hit.

 

“I think I’ll need someone to go with me,”he mumbled in Harry's shoulder, his tears soaking through the material.

Feeling his hands stop Harry nodded.

“Sure me and niall will be there love, we will always be.”

Niall brought a feeling of hurt again, it wasn't his fault he just felt a sharp tug when he realized everyone was still in love just as he was.

“ 's that alright?”

Zayn sniffled, he wasn't sure if anything was going to be actually “alright”. He was a complete wreck inside, he had no idea who he was anymore.

He wanted someone to catch his breath for him, he didn't want to be anyone anymore. He wanted to be a goner, it would be better than to remember.

Time didn't stand still for him , he remembers people in movies, how they handled death so well .how they completely moved on in the world, started smiling a week or two later. It’s been almost two weeks and Zayn hasn't slept in his own bed. The floor seemed more appeasing.

All lies, everything was a lie. Nothing hurts more than knowing that you aren't able to be strong on your own, you aren't stable enough to be by yourself.

“Yeah”

 

[+]

 

He wished he hadn't agreed so quickly, he'd rather fall into a deep sleep than see a therapist. He wondered if this is what Louis would have wanted for him.

Waking up became harder and harder, he had to face the day knowing that he'd have to start over, by himself.

The memories hit harder than ever, flashbacks giving him migraines faster than morning wood.  

His home felt empty and cold. Uneasy and distant. Everything was his and Louis and he wanted to destroy everything.

 

“Wakey wakey up and risey”

He blinked his eyes open, shading them just as curtains opened.

A tall lanky figure stood a few feet away from his bed, holding a cup.

“What do you want Harry?” mumbling Zayn tried to hide his face from the blinding light.

Creeping next to him, Harry smiled wide, Zayn thought it was weird, how Harry loved mornings and torturing Zayn; then again everything about Harry was weird.

“Today's the day Zayn, c'mon get out of bed. I even got you coffee the way you like it, black.”  He smiled talking slightly quieter, “like your soul”.

“What?” Zayn squinted his eyes at him.

“Nothing… uh like I said, today's the day so hurry out of bed mister.” With that he sat the coffee on his bed table and stepped out the room, leaving Zayn to his own fears.

He'd finally managed to change the sheets on the bed the night before, his hands were shaky as he peeled off the silk purple ones Louis loved so much. Not a single tear shed but he felt like he was ripping his heart in two.

It felt too big and too empty, he barely got a wink of sleep. The nights became worse and worse, he didn't even know why he tried.

 

He did however manage to get out of bed, shower and dress somewhat decent. Zayn stroked his beard, it was getting long he figured a shave would be good but he couldn't be bothered to do it.

Walking towards the kitchen, his still hot coffee tucked in his arm as he battled to run his hands through his disheveled hair.

He spotted Niall stuffing his face, as always, and harry laying on him his lips pressing against the blondes arm. Spotting Zayn finally Niall grinned.

“Zayn! There ya are.”

Somewhat offended by him eating his food and really realizing he doesn't care, Zayn made his way to the younger lad. Hugging him tightly, Zayn formed a small smile.

“Hey Niall.”

Patting him on the back, Zayn released him, looking at Harry this time.

“I think I'm ready to... to do this,” he fumbled with his shirt, glancing down.

“I think” he repeated again.

Hands pressed on his shoulder, making him look up a his tall friend again.

“Don't worry Zaynie, we'll be right there with you”

That brought relief, at least if he caused a fuss Harry and Niall could calm him down, and hopefully steal him out  of there in a blink of an eye.

 

Piling into their car was harder than it looked; for one the thing was beyond any repair that anyone could afford, even with niall being a owner of his own pub. It was an old station wagon, inherited from his dad for graduating college Niall thought it was the best thing in the world. Which Zayn still found confusing since the back windows never rolled down (which almost killed them last summer) the front wipers were always out of sync and the back door didn't open unless you pulled really really hard and not to mention that it always broke down. But, it was a car and it was better than Zayn had at the moment. The car that he and Louis shared had to get towed and repaired with the remains of what was left after the car crash.

He tried not to think of it much as they drove to the therapist office his parents recommended him to. It was difficult to do as every bump and curve caused another gruesome thought about the crash. Closing his eyes he managed to let the static of the somewhat “working” radio and the small chatter of niall and harry calm his mind and his heavy heart.

Pulling up to the building a few minutes later Zayn felt the need to throw up everything he ate, including last night's dinner.

Seeing his discomfort, Niall smiled and walked beside him

“It’s Alright z, right by your side if you need anything.”

Nodding, he glanced at the brown building once again, the tall windows and quietness made it all seem like he was walking into an institute, he wasn't _that_ bad. Or at least he thought he wasn't.

Walking inside felt like he was suffocating. He was truly in the pit of the demons belly, he couldn't believe that he managed to even agree to this. There wasn't much to do now, although running away and stealing the car seemed like a really good idea.

“Zayn...  Zayn?”

Blinking slowly he stared at Harry confused.

“You alright mate? I've been calling your name, seems like you spaced out.”

He’s not alright. He just wants to sleep, maybe forever.

“Yeah sorry about that Haz, just… thinking. What are we waiting for?”

He pointed at a door, blank and wooden. It stood as though it was the center of Zayn’s life, his future and past. Thinking if he walked through it would be a hairy demon waiting to suck his soul and tell him all the things he was afraid of. That Louis died because of him, that the crash was because of Zayn, how Zayn was weak.

“I think that's the door, your mum said room 666?”

Yeah, there was definitely a demon waiting to suck his soul. What better way to seal his fate than a satanic number on a door in an ominous building?

“She said his name was Dr. Payne.”

Zayn snorted slightly, he definitely hated this place already, he mentally thanked his parents for such blessing. He turned to the pair, shoulders sagging.

“Do I really have to, I mean-”  he gave a pout.

“Yes, there's no negotiation here Zayn, we're doing this because we care.”

He knew that, he just slightly wished they cared... a little less maybe.

“I just. I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe I shouldn't do this.”

He sighed looking back at his awaited fate, it looked bleak so far and so so bland.

“If that's what you really want Z if you're really feeling bad. We can go back home and watch movies instead, hell I’ll even pay for lunch.”

He gave a small smile at Niall's attempt to comfort, but he was at crossroads. He wanted to talk to someone, wanted help. But on the other hand he didn't want a stranger, someone that would just give him pity eyes and nothing but sympathetic remarks. He didn't want to face what he escaped from. In a second he pictured his face, and his warm blue eyes and that signature smirk. He had to do this, if not for himself at least for Louis.

He took a deep breath and raised his shoulders

“I will just go. In I mean” he gave a look at the pair and saw that they were smiling and stood right behind him. He was grateful for friends like them, he didn't think he could do it without their help.

 

Knocking once Zayn stared straight ahead at gold numbers that seemed as though they were mocking him. A slight commotion was heard inside and Zayn pictured what Dr. Payne looked like. He's probably old and bald, Zayn shuddered, or maybe he was creepy and just wanted money instead of actually listening to Zayn’s problem. He wondered just how much his parents were paying for these sessions...

“Come in!”

A muffled voice sounded and Zayn opened the door slowly sticking his head through the doorway peeking in. Noticing Zayn’s slow movements, Harry and Niall pushed him forward almost causing him to trip, he glared behind him at their faces.

“You must be Zayn?”He turned around to come face to face with... not what he imagined at all.

The man was at least his own age, with light brown hair that could almost be considered dirty blonde in a very nice clean hairstyle similar to what he had his very self a few months ago before he cut his hair. He was smiling, and there was eye crinkles forming which made him look really gentle.

There was no way he was Dr. Payne, he screamed more like an assistant. “I'm Dr. Payne”

He outstretched his arm waiting to shake Zayn’s hand. Confused, Zayn tentatively fit his hand in Dr.Payne’s and shook lightly.

“Um yeah 'm Zayn, I'm... here.” He glanced at Niall and Harry who stood by the door.

“Great! glad you could make it, these are friends I assume?” nodding, both Harry and Niall went to shake the man's hand.

“We will wait outside if that's alright” Zayn did a double take, _no no no_ they didn't say anything about waiting outside, he wanted them to stay in with him and this... stranger.They left him with a hug and words of “you're fine”.

He changed his mind, he wanted to escape, he wanted to steal the car and leave Harry and Niall behind for lying to him.

“Why don't you have a seat, Zayn and we can get started.”

Walking over to a large chair he didn't picture therapist offices like this, he imagined a large couch where he relaxed and started a story of how he and Louis met and fell in love, and the person would record everything in a notebook and give him some sad look and tell him he’s alright.This was clearly not it.Sitting in front of him at a desk was the doctor, who was getting out his pen and paper.He looked weird in front of a desk Zayn realized as though he wasn't meant to sit behind it and do this for a living.

“So Zayn, you do know why you're here? Your parents are.. they're worried.”He casted his eyes at a small folder on his desk, Zayn assumed it was his file. Zayn nodded while folding his arms across his chest.

“I’m fine. Really” He wished he believed those words, he wished with all he had that it was true.

Payne smiled, clearly seeing past his facade.  _Duh he’s a freaking therapist he sees through all bullshit_

“Let me introduce myself better. I'm sorry, I should have done it before.”

He cleared his throat and smiled once again. Zayn never thought a person could smile so much in a span of five minutes; then again he was friends with Niall.

 

“My name is Liam Payne. I grew up in a small town; Wolverhampton. Just a small little village on the outskirts. I grew up kind of different from others In my late teens I discovered my passion for helping people. I liked listening to their problems and helping them find solutions. Helping others just makes me feel useful; like I can make a difference in this world, even if it's only one person at a time. At first, I wanted to help kids because, you know”, he smiled softly and stared in Zayns eyes, “they seemed like they needed the most help. But I found that wasn't true. People of all ages need help Zayn. I'm just here to listen to them.”

He stood up and walked to the front of his desk, leaning against the old thing, “that's if they want it of course.”

He got the point and truly it was unfair to kind of think Liam was a demonic thing from hell just to pry on his mind. He thought he was alright so far.

Zayn nodded in response, unfolding his arms and sat up straighter.

“I want help, I mean I think I do.”

Liam made a approving noise  leaning up and to walk to the wall behind his desk, picking up a small notebook.

“Now I want to get to know you Zayn, tell me. Where does your story start?”

 

+

 

Coming out of a room with the number 666 labeled on it never felt so... different. Even if he didn't get  how or why he felt the way he did, he was just glad to see his friends outside the door sitting next to each other.

“Hey” They looked up and their faces lit up with smiles,especially when looking at the figure behind Zayn.

“Everything went ok?” Harry asked standing up to greet them.

“Yeah everything's fine, I really enjoyed this session. Hopefully you'll decide to come again. Friday?” The question was directed to him but he just looked down at his shoes and listened as harry answered for him.

“We'll mark it in the calendar.” He looked up and moved away from his therapist. The word gave him a weird feeling, never thought he would have one but… here he is.

 

He stared at Liam’s face, which gradually had gained a smile on. He looked right back and spoke softly,

“take your time to decide, it’s all on you. I’ll still be here.”

With that, he lifted a hand and placed it upon Zayn’s shoulder, it felt warm and although Zayn wasn't big on other people touching him, Liam’s felt nice and solid.

He didn't know what this meant. Didn't really want to know.

 

Bidding farewell, they traveled to the car, listening to Harry’s voice as he gave his opinion on Liam.

“He seems really nice, not all what I imagined though.”

Niall whistled softly.

“Thought he was going to be boring and bald too? For a sec I thought Zaynie was a goner.”  Giggling, Harry pressed a shoulder against Zayn’s.

“Imagine if he was, how fast would you’ve ran out of there?”

Laughing the three got into the car, struggling a bit to get the car started, they took off. As Zayn stared out the window he wondered just how he got to this point of feeling so afraid. Louis was his rock, his everything, or at least it felt that way. It’s been almost three weeks, he doesn't wanna think or feel. He might be afraid of moving on without him, but he’s even more afraid of being alone without him.

 

[+]

 

“And how was it? Did you talk at least Zayn?”

The teapot goes off, while his mother worries down his throat. He rolls his eyes at her bombarding. It hasn't even been a total of four hours after he left for her to call and ask questions about his session.

“It went fine mum, and yes I talked. A little.”

It was partly true, he talked when prompted with a question, he didn't know what to say without one.He pulled up his mug with his tea, pouring the water the best he could with his cell in his other hand.

“Good good,” he heard her shuffling something. “We just want the best for you darling, we want to see you get better.”

That's what every parent wants, he thought, he wanted to get better himself yet there was something always there that's reminding him of everything.  A smell, a color,  a joke.

“Sure mum, I know.”He took a sip of his tea, instantly burning his tongue, hissing he sits it down.

_“You never let it cool, you have to wait babe,”_

he instantly remembers Louis smirking as he grabs a mug from Zayn and kissing him softly, _“you always were impatient.”_ Shaking his head he lets the image fade, it gets harder every time to do that.

 

“You have another session Friday right? Zayn please try and go to that one ok? It will get better.” Glancing at a nearby calender, true to Harry's word, Friday was circled with a bright red marker. He sighed, scratching his chin which reminded him that his beard was still there; and still getting thicker.

“I will think about it mum, no guarantee.” She hummed in approval  “I’ll take it love, I got to go, your father’s taking me to this nice diner and you know how he gets when I run late.” He clicks his tongue, the taste of the tea still evident in his mouth as his tongue recovers from its burn.

“And Zayn?” He waits for her, knowing she’s worried hurts him. He wishes he could be just as strong.

“Yes?”

She sighs, “we love you a lot babe, we love you so much.”

With that the line clicks, leaving him in silence yet again. He puts his cell in his pocket, grabbing his cup and making his way to his sofa.

He wished more than anything that his parents wouldn't worry so much, but also he wished they cared less. He had a difficult time trying to tell them that he was attracted to different people of all genders, it was even harder introducing them to Louis years ago.

They wasn't too friendly with the thought of Zayn being who he was. They never accepted Louis as a part of the family, not that he thought they would.

Louis was wild and loud, he knew nothing about food like his mum or football like his dad. But then again Louis never bothered, never bothered to show up for family dinners when he asked nor bothered to participate in Zayn’s religious holidays. He'd rather go for a pint or two and kick it with Niall and the lads before he participated in Eid with Zayn and his family.

Sometimes he wondered why, just why he and Louis fit.

Years of being with someone would cause you to learn their little crooks and craters. Louis had thousands, that he traced late late at night. His fingers tracing over his back freckles and memorizing the way his skin dipped and curved, the smoothness of it all. Many nights spent kissing those craters shut and forgetting the day and many days wondering why he even bothered thinking they were closed for good.

Sitting down he turned on the telly, ignoring the noise outside signaling rain clouds that poured like his tears at night. He tried to pay attention to what was on the screen, he truly did. The wall taunted him with pictures and memories, flooding his mind with every bit that was Louis Tomlinson. He could feel the stares and he swore he wasn't going any more sane in the brain.

After a few minutes he couldn't stand it, going to the nearest wall he yanked a frame down. It was a simple photo, their first housewarming party. Tears pooled in his eyes, dripping on the faces. Everything becoming blurry, he wipes the picture, the memories making him a mess inside he wanted to let it go.

 

They never said death was easy, he distinctly remembers when his uncle Walter died when he was seventeen. He was a mess the entire week, he was his best friend; his favorite. He didn't understand the call his aunt made to him, didn't (couldn't) process the news she passed to him. Although he knew after, at the funeral, as he stared at his dear uncle pale and unresponsive, death made a home in his life.

They belonging to his family, his friends, those who comforted him late at night with tender smiles and small voices. Those who gave him drops of courage and maybe a glimpse of hope.  
They, once more, never said when it will get better.

He figured, as he took down countless picture frames from his wall, that time would heal wounds like it always does. Staring at the different faces; Louis smiling, Louis frowning, Louis laughing _with him._

He wished for enough strength to last for a while, to get through this, whatever was happening to him.

He tries to find a large box to put all of the pictures in, to hide away the memories and pain for god knows how long.

Eventually finding a decent box full of old fabric, he places the frames in, careful not to break any, and holds in the few tears that threaten to fall. Before closing the box, he looks down one last time, and pushes away any thoughts of regret, He’s trying, he could take that as a victory.

 

Finishing with the last picture he collapsed on the floor, next to the boxes filled with memories and never ending nightmares of the past. He let his mind wander, to louis, his parents and even Liam. He was calm, not at all like the hurricane that was Zayn. He caused a shock inside Zayn's mind, curiosity and confusion all balled up in his thoughts, he tried to forget about how nice he was, how nice his brown eyes were.

Suddenly his lungs were too too tight and he couldn't remember how to breathe.

He was still in love with louis ,it's too soon to like anyone at the moment. Or feel anything, which was becoming a thing..

 

He tried taking deep breaths, waiting on his body to somehow remember how to take in oxygen. He laid there on the floor, gulping air like he was a fish out of water, his eyes watering at the ceiling while his hands scraped at his chest for him to breathe, to fucking _breathe._

Eyes closing he tried counting the number of deep breaths he took, not that many apparently but enough to calm his erratic heart. Sitting up he strained not to cry, his heart ached for arms, arms that no longer existed and a body that developed not an ounce of warmth. Everything was painful, even breathing now.

Crashing like waves against a wall his mind became , his understanding of _pain_ and _death_ drowning him slowly. A mantra of _hes gone_ echoing inside, coming to terms that he's really gone. He's not coming back.  And in the back of his fears he thought about louis’s life, all that he worked for. He thought about his friends, his family, his poor mum.

And in the back of his mind a small thought occurred, _what if it was him instead?_

 

+

 

“What do you see when you dream?”It wasn't directly, because he can't answer it...not right away.

Sometimes it's nightmares, sometimes it's just his face shielded in his hands. others its just white space, all around him. Those are the worst ones.

He settles for a shrug and a look out the window, his broody nature showing.

“I see dreams.That's all they really are”

Shaking his head Liam sighed, they've been at this for at least thirty minutes, It was not a good day for either men, as both realized that Zayn was being kind of an hardass. He felt bad seeing how hard Liam was trying to help him. “I see him, sometimes.”His fingers shaky as they ran through his hair, a habit he picked up by harry.

“What is he doing?” Raising an eyebrow, liam carefully placed his pen in his mouth leaning back. The atmosphere was relaxing, even from the moment he stepped in the office. A very different feeling than before.“I want you to be comfortable around me” liam said ,when zayn walked in looking slightly out of place behind the big door ,welcoming him inside to start their chat.

 

“He's just walking. Sometimes it's an image of him with me, a memory of us.” He tries to shake off the cringe that comes along but it's too late. He takes a look at Liam and notices that he's staring at him tentatively. He makes a small smile and writes something down in his folder,

“When you dream is it always a good memory? How do you feel when you awaken from them?”

He took a deep breathe, too many questions that he can't answer,

He feels drained, he feels confused , angry and upset.

“I feel exhausted” he looks into Liam's warm brown eyes and can't help but contrast them to the color of a bright blue sky.

He can't understand that one minute someone ,a living person was there then… gone.

“Maybe taking something will help the exhaustion? Maybe requesting-”

A small shriek emitted from Liams phone that lay on his desk, signaling the end of their session.

They both quickly jumped from the noise, Zayn's heart racing from the surprise.

“Ah sorry zayn, it looks like times up.” standing he waits for the other lad to gather himself, while organizing his papers and empty folders.

The session was quicker than he hoped, he wondered when he was going to get “cured” or whatever everyone thought he was going to get from these meetings. He just felt as though it was another extension of his thoughts ,just rationalized with a degree to the name.

Saying goodbye, was easy, Liam phone rang again as he was about to walk him but rather than facing the series of more questions  zayn walked to the front, digging out his cell to call Harry to pick him up.

“Harry here?”Rolling his eyes he spoke softly begging harry to hurry up

“ I can't Zayn…The Car it wont start. We tried getting it out of my driveway but it won't budge. I'm so sorry” Cursing the old peice of junk zayn clicked off the line, looking around staring into space for a solution. He settled for sitting on a nearby chair, wishing Niall's dad gave him a range rover instead.

 

“Without a ride?”

Turning around he raised an eyebrow

“Are you offering?” Liam smiled, his eye growing his signature crinkles making him look even younger in the light.

“I am, if your transportation is poor. Im off for the day fortunately.”

Zayn tried to weigh the pros and cons.Both seemed equal enough. He really needed a ride back to his flat but he didn't want to overstep a boundary. He was his therapist for fucks sake.

He nodded, halfway unsure what to do spotting Liam's hesitant stance towards him.

“Sure a ride would be great thanks” he smiled at him, stepping out the door before him and waiting to be led to his car.

It was a large truck, that fit Liam nicely if Zayn says so himself. Hopping in he relaxed in the seat, gladly hit with the pressure of the heat. It was becoming colder and every night became even more unbearable.

“It’ll get warmer trust me” Buckling in he motioned for zayn to do the same, after a moment or two , then pulled off the buildings lot. 

A breath of air escaped Zayn's lips, to be away from there and its choke hold. Staring out the window as they drove by Zayn let his eyes closed. Sharp images pooling behind his eyelids, like scattered paint that left stains the next morning. Images that tugged his strings, the feeling dropping past his lungs, his heart and into the drop of his stomach. Sighing he rested his head back, wondering how did he get to this point. 

Giving him directions Liam smirked nodding before going to the route. Staring at Liam, watching the shadows pass on his face as he stared straight ahead, he felt lost for the first time.

_"Why do I love you"_

Memories flood through his brain like a horror film. Hes stubbling along, the pieces become jagged and finally a twisted reality. His hands like soft taffy twisting around each other, lips thin while he tried to regain his breathing. Flashes and images of a summer day in the car with louis dribbled like hot water in his mind...

_"Yes, do you love me lou?" His hands guided their own path to meet his, while the radio was muted due to louis being irritated by yet another huge pop song. He gave a small smile, one hand on the wheel, the other creeping all over Zayns fingers. He loved his hands, the thought of matching rings settled deeply in Zayns mind._

_"Of course, what kind of question? You make me happy Z, fuck everyone else yea? me and you for life." He shouted to the wind, the hot air blasting them in the face as they drove so fast, so free. The sun and stars couldnt compare to how  dazzling ouis's eyes were, sometimes Zayn could imagine that they were pools and that the secret to eternal youth lay in them. He felt as though he didnt take a step, he took a dive into their very center; flying was possible through it all._

_"One day Im going to marry you , you gorgeous fucker. Im going to put a ring on you and show everyone that Ive got it all. Watch." Smiling he turned the radio on, unclasping their hands. Looking at each other zayn heart leaped out the window, everything was perfect._

_He smirked protesting "Great now i have to put up with you for life". He watched as the sun shined bright, illuminating his lovers smile, so bright , so beautiful... Alive_

_He closed his eyes and smiled_

**Author's Note:**

> im pretty lazy in updating but you can bug me at Paradisewithziam on tumblr to hurry up  
> thanks x


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